Yup. I said it. Even though your therapist wouldn't.
Saturday morning, 6:30 A.M.
I groaned. Not again. Please, for the love of me. Not again.
30 MINUTES LATER: She's a persistent pup, I had to give her that. But I was exhausted.
Fury built up in my throat as I threw on some sweats and opened the door into the living room. Arms crossed over my chest, I inhaled, ready to give my furry Wake-Up Call a very angry What-For.
I exhaled angrily from the bottom of my diaphragm.
"REAGAN," I sucked in more air before finishing the command. "QUIE-"
White. Then, thunk.
Hitting The Wall
There's no better way to explain what it felt like. One minute, I had control. Over my body, my voice, my thoughts. It only took a split-second for the air to be vacuumed from my lungs. Even though I twitched my hands in a desperate attempt to regain control (over what? I don't know), it didn't work. The fall was ALMOST graceful. First, my shins. Followed by my knees, thighs, hips, chest, head and arms.
I heard the impact. But I couldn't feel it.
I COULDN'T feel it.
I COULDN'T FEEL IT.
I've never prayed harder in my life.
Please, God. Let me wake up and realize this was all just a bad dream. A bad dream that my autoimmune disorder is in retrograde.
Good news: I did wake up. Bad news: on the floor where I had fallen.
Have you ever heard the phrase, "Disappointed, but not surprised"?
That summed up how I felt toward God in that moment. Not only was I paralyzed. My faith was too.
When Things Get Worse, They Can Only Get Better
It wasn't until a few seconds ago that I came across words that assured me even though things get worse, they get better.
For Worry and Insecurity:
"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, "You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:9-10 NIV
For fear of the unknown:
"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." - Psalm 27:13 NIV
For when everything is falling apart:
"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." - Psalm 37:23-24 NIV
I hope this helped you as much as it helped me.
All the Peace,