• ak

Things Keep Getting Worse

Yup. I said it. Even though your therapist wouldn't.


Saturday morning, 6:30 A.M.

I groaned. Not again. Please, for the love of me. Not again.


30 MINUTES LATER: She's a persistent pup, I had to give her that. But I was exhausted.


Fury built up in my throat as I threw on some sweats and opened the door into the living room. Arms crossed over my chest, I inhaled, ready to give my furry Wake-Up Call a very angry What-For.


I exhaled angrily from the bottom of my diaphragm.


"REAGAN," I sucked in more air before finishing the command. "QUIE-"


White. Then, thunk.


Hitting The Wall

There's no better way to explain what it felt like. One minute, I had control. Over my body, my voice, my thoughts. It only took a split-second for the air to be vacuumed from my lungs. Even though I twitched my hands in a desperate attempt to regain control (over what? I don't know), it didn't work. The fall was ALMOST graceful. First, my shins. Followed by my knees, thighs, hips, chest, head and arms.


I heard the impact. But I couldn't feel it.


I COULDN'T feel it.


I COULDN'T FEEL IT.


Paralyzed Faith

I've never prayed harder in my life.


Please, God. Let me wake up and realize this was all just a bad dream. A bad dream that my autoimmune disorder is in retrograde.


Good news: I did wake up. Bad news: on the floor where I had fallen.


Have you ever heard the phrase, "Disappointed, but not surprised"?


That summed up how I felt toward God in that moment. Not only was I paralyzed. My faith was too.


When Things Get Worse, They Can Only Get Better

It wasn't until a few seconds ago that I came across words that assured me even though things get worse, they get better.


For Worry and Insecurity:

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, "You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:9-10 NIV

For fear of the unknown:

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." - Psalm 27:13 NIV

For when everything is falling apart:

"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." - Psalm 37:23-24 NIV

I hope this helped you as much as it helped me.



All the Peace,




AK.



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